Saturday, November 17, 2012

A Test of Faith

There are times in ones life when everything which feels certain for the future falls away and one trembles at what stands before them.  It is at such moments when fear seems to cover you like a blanket and you struggle to see  beyond the tears. For every person it is a different thing which brings them to their knees.  Such a time has come for me.  

As I have written in the past, 6 years ago I was diagnosed with a genetic condition while I was pregnant with my son, Asher.  The geneticist said that pregnancy was not recommended and I would see a steep decline in my joints and function post-partum.  The geneticist was right and unfortunately the decline I experienced seemed permanent.  In all the years since my son was born I only held him once as my joints became so unstable that joint dislocations became common.  One of my physical therapists who has treated me for 16 years has been a linchpin in my treatment.  He is able to diagnose the many levels of joint displacements that I suffer from on a regular basis.  There was a time when he was unable to treat me for several months due to his busy schedule and without his treatment one dislocation led to more and as time went on it was not just my wrists which had displacements it was my elbow and then my shoulder.  The shoulder became restricted in its motion and I could barely put on a shirt due to my inability to move my arm. Sleeping for more than two hours was difficult and usually my arms were propped on pillows as I could no longer straighten them. 

This past year seemed to be a blessed time when my team of doctors all seemed to be complementing each other beautifully and although I had significant limitations and frequent injuries my condition was being managed and I was relatively stable.  This week I received some disturbing news.  The physical therapist who has been treating me for 16 years has taken a new position with a sports team which means I may not be able to have further treatment with him in the future.  As he has had to cancel my last two appointments over the past 6 weeks there has already been a decline in my hands.  The thought that no longer will there be a person to go to who can diagnose and treat these injuries is a reality which for me is hard to imagine.  Having lived through times when my physical therapist was unavailable and the decline which usually follows the future seemed all but clear that pain and further dependance on my husband for basic functions lay ahead.  My husband and I cried together this week knowing what the loss of this person in my life would mean to us.  

As my husband and I are still young looking ahead to further disability and pain is a hard place to be.  

As this all comes in the middle of so many blessings with the children’s rosary there is a certainty in my heart that none of this is an accident.  There is a strong part of me that feels this is part of the plan, a plan I cannot see from my small place here on earth.  However, knowing this seemed to clash against the strong emotions of fear that seem to take hold of me.  On Thursday morning after getting the news Wednesday night I found myself among dear friends for the rosary after Mass.  Sharing with these dear friends in Christ the situation, I was met with compassion and tenderness and an outpouring of love.  Those there immediately began praying for me in the rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet.  Tears poured down my face.  Looking across the chapel at the Divine Mercy Picture of Jesus all seemed blurry with tears.  I then thought of Our Lord on the Cross.  Might his eyes have been full of tears and the crowd blurry through them.  In that moment there was a realization that when the future seems blurry to us and we have the awareness that we have no control over our very existance is that not when we are held most tightly to the aching heart of Jesus.  Joined together in suffering, are we not brought with lightening speed into his arms.  There is a heart to heart prayer that occurs between a soul and Our Lord from such a low place. 

Today after communion the priest said these word’s "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends".  How can one doubt Our Lord’s love for us when He gave the ultimate gift..His own life.  He is Our Best Friend and as such I am reminded that I must have faith through this terrifying time.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I pray that the Lord will sustain my hands so I can continue updating this blog and working on the new Children's Rosary book.  May I humbly ask those reading this to say a Hail Mary for me so that I will have the strength to keep up the work of the Children’s Rosary with all of you.  Thank you Friends for your support.  Please know that I offer up prayers for all of you each day.

God Bless you All!
Your Friend in Christ,

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